I Thought Dropping Out Was Revolutionary

One line from Atom Araullo's graduation speech at UP Baguio this week hit me harder than I expected.

"You don't have to kill your dreams in the name of service. Just make sure your dreams don't require you to kill your conscience."

Napahinto ako dun. Because years ago, I did kill my dreams. At ang masakit, akala ko tama yun.

I was in college when I was recruited into the national democratic movement. Typical college kid. I worried about exams, deadlines, tuition, whether I'd graduate on time. I also worried about poverty, corruption, injustice. Lahat ng bagay na normal lang namang ikabahala kapag nagsisimula ka nang maintindihan ang mundo. Panahon ni Erap yun.

That's why the movement made sense to me. At first.

To be honest, nobody ever sat me down and said, "Mag-drop out ka." Hindi ganoon kasimple. Hindi ganoon kahalata.

Instead, the full-time organizers ng national democratic movement asked questions that slowly rewired how I thought.

"Ba't mo pa gustong grumaduate?"

"Para saan? Para maging empleyado lang?"

"Magpapakaalipin ka lang din naman sa sistemang gusto nating baguhin."

"Hindi ba mas kailangan ka ng masa ngayon?"*

Looking back, ang galing ng framing. Because suddenly, finishing school started to feel... selfish. Parang kasalanan mong mangarap.

The more active I became, the more my priorities quietly shifted. Missing classes became understandable because may ED (educational discussion). Lying to my family because I didn’t want them to worry… or discourage me. Failing a subject wasn't the end of the world because “mas mahalaga ang pakikibaka.” Delaying graduation became a sign of commitment.

Hanggang sa isang araw, dropping out didn't even feel like losing something. It felt heroic.

So I left. Not because I hated studying. Not because I wasn't capable. But because I honestly believed serving the people meant giving up the life I originally wanted.

Eventually, I became a full-time organizer. Nag-organize ako ng youth, then peasants, then workers. A few years later, I joined the NPA. Because that was the trajectory. Naunahan ko pa ang organizers ko.

Now here's the part nobody told us.

The movement kept saying we were fighting so young people could have a better future. Pero bakit parang kami mismo ang unang pinasusukong mangarap?

I don't have hard numbers, so I won't pretend I do. But from what I personally experienced, it would not surprise me if many of today's full-time organizers in the national democratic movement are college dropouts. Not because they could not finish, but because somewhere along the way, they were convinced that finishing was no longer the revolutionary thing to do.

Yun ang masakit. Hindi lang kami nawalan ng kinabukasan. Nawalan din ang bayan.

How many teachers never got to teach? How many nurses never entered hospitals? How many engineers never built anything?  How many young people who genuinely wanted to help ended up carrying rifles instead of diplomas?

Sometimes I wonder what my life would have looked like if someone had simply told me: "Pwede kang grumaduate at maglingkod pa rin." 

Atom was 20 years too late. Which is ironic because inabutan ko pa noong panahong active si Atom sa national democratic movement. Both he and his mother were my idols. 

But now that I am a former rebel, I don’t know if I still feel the same way. Or kung ganun pa rin ba ang pagtingin nila sa akin, kahit pa sabihin kong I still my country. I’m still as difficult as I was when I started.  

I wish I could tell them ang pagmamahal sa bayan, hindi iisa ang anyo. Hindi kailangang laging paalam sa pamilya. Hindi kailangang laging tago. Hindi kailangang laging baril.

"Just make sure your dreams don't require you to kill your conscience."

Dahil ba sumurender ako sa gobyerno, I killed my conscience? Hindi naman siguro. Sometimes having a conscience is about refusing to let anyone convince you that sacrificing your education, your family, your future, even your own life, is the only proof that you care about the Filipino people. Hindi sukatan ng pagmamahal sa bayan kung gaano mo kayang sirain ang sarili mo.

These days, my dreams are surprisingly ordinary again. I want to finish what I started. I want to build a career. I want my parents to finally see me graduate. I want to help other students before someone else convinces them that abandoning their future is somehow the highest form of patriotism.

I still want to serve the people. Hindi nawala yun. I just no longer believe service demands that you destroy yourself first.